My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
