you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
and she was petting her beer can
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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