i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
