I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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