I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
