what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
