My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
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