i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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