Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
