Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
