Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
