So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
