um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
