So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
