What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
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It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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