5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
