youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
