And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
