My friends, they love my intelligence
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
