I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
