Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
