Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He felt like a one man threesome
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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