I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
