i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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