If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
