Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You are the jesus of drinking
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
