I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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