i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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