My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Green mimosas i think yes
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize