don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
