Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
