So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
