I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
