Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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