My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
