I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
