I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
