I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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