My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
