everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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