Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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