Sry I called you an 8
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
