Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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