Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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