Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
