Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
