Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
40s are totally the cure
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
