I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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