You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
