im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
