Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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