God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
