i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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