Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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