if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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