Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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