if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
