wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..