I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus