hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered