worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.