make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT