I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??